by Alan Haskvitz

Being retired is a full-time job. My retirement check came right on time, although it took a great deal of patience because I kept on forgetting the password. It would be easy if they would just accept the one I wanted, “1oldfart.”

Anyway, here is my current schedule:

Monday: Free stale bread at senior center. I have to come early and place small rocks on the floor to stymie those using walkers trying to beat me to the good bread (under two weeks old).

Tuesday: Free cheese at government agriculture office. They only have American and it comes in large blocks, but I don’t mind cutting the cheese. The bad news is that is binding and it is difficult to fully explain this to the receptionist at the doctor’s office.

Wednesday: I have volunteered to work at the teachers’ retirement home. They use a bell system to call them to lunch and for recess. The rest of the time they stay in their rooms with their doors shut. I usually bring rap lyrics and try to explain them to those who arrive on time. As usual, some just don’t get it. I think it is because their children don’t follow-up on the homework assignments.

Thursday: Free lunch at the senior center. They do ask for a donation and so I drop my recyclable cans in the collection plate. Very nice crowd and since I am helpful, I spend a great deal of time cutting the spaghetti into smaller pieces for them. I use a switchblades I confiscated from one of my students to cut the meatballs.

Friday: Free movie day. They show some great films and they keep the sound level at nine so everyone can hear. Some people try to ruin it for others by telling how the movie ends, but most people can’t remember and so by the end of the movie it doesn’t really matter.

Saturday: I usually spend the day grading essays I never got a chance to do while teaching. Some are quite good. The problem is a lot are from girls and they have married and I don’t know their last names now and so I don’t know where to send the essays. I sort of feel sorry about that and so I am waiting until December to send them to the “Dear Santa” section of the post office.

Sunday: This is my day of rest and so I stay home, organize my pills for the coming week, and re-order from the Canadian Pharmacy.

As you can see, it is a hectic schedule and thus I won’t be there when the sheriff brings the drug dog.

Your friend,

alan haskvitz has been selected as one of America’s best teachers six times and has received over 30 state, national and international awards for his work. He currently does inservices.